Self Doubt as a Creative

The journey through the creative desert

The blessing and curse of creativity might seem to those on the outside a form of insanity.

Why be driven to capture images at one instance, and suffer from creative block the next? It’s a internal discussion I’ve had with myself for years, especially since the pandemic lockdowns when I went through a real personal crisis of who I am as a photographer.

While others were creating what they could to make the best of the situation, I experienced a loss of identity that sent me down a dark hole that I almost didn’t climb out of.

The freedom to just explore, to create was gone. The lasting effects of that have yet to truly dissipate for me and I question the very thing I have done for my whole adult life. People, the very subject matter of what I’ve captured in my work, changed in ways I no longer trust. I saw what what I believe was some of the worst traits in humanity and it left a scar that has yet to fully heal.

Yet there is this innate desire inside of me, a drive, to capture moments that are genuine, that are authentic of what it means to be in this human experience. As photographer Kevin Mullins says:

Photo’s don’t need to be perfect, they just need to be important

Of course the never ending self doubt of what’s important is an ongoing voice in my head. Combined with what I personally have endured as a creative since those 2020 lockdowns and afterwards only adds fuel to that fire.

These four years of self doubt, clients whom I loved working with cancelling all projects, the current state of the economy – all these factors have left me feeling inadequate, even though my feelings and the facts don’t align.

It’s been my observation creatives get stuck in their heads, believing a self fulfilling narrative of never being good enough when in fact many of us are better than good enough. It’s a vicious cycle that requires telling ourselves the truth even when a part of ourselves wants to refuse that truth. On the other hand, there are those who as much as they try, aren’t all that talented creatively. I base this statement on professional experience and mentorship from those I respect and admire as creatives.

With all the advances in technology these days, it’s become all the more difficult to view meaningful images. I see it this way:

Social Media is a platform of continuous dump trucks backing up and offloading bad to mediocre images for mass consumption with no real engagement with viewers.

For me as a creative, faking it til you make it doesn’t work – believe me I’ve tried.

So what does one do in this scenario? Do you sit and contend with the empty feeling, the loss of your identity as an artist? In my case, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I realize I need to experience the discomfort that I knew would eventually pass although I didn’t know when. The wandering in the creative desert has forced me to look inside myself to come to terms with those things that have been preventing me from moving back into my creative happy place.

That’s not to say I’m out of the woods – far from it. But I’m experiencing a slow return of that creative fire that has driven me on a daily basis since 1987. That fire is more of a small flame, but it’s there and that gives me a sense of hope.

So my question is this: How have YOU dealt with a loss of creative drive, a loss of identity as an artist?